Comments

From: The former "Wise Man"
Subject: Yo, Bobbi!

Hey. I'm hungry. You have any of them hamburgers left? Or maybe some of those tasty briquetes? How about a beer? I need something, man. I've been living off of Cheese Whiz and Flintsones vitamins for three weeks. Can you hook a brother up?

The former "Wise Man" who now doesn't know Jack Shit

Dear Former Wise Man,

Hey kids, do any of you out there think I should give a handout to this sack of crap?

It's hard to know if someone begging for money or food really deserves it, or if you're being scammed. So do what I do kids: Lift your tail and spray 'em down with liquid shit. If you don't have a tail, or find it hard to produce liquid shit, swallow a handful of barbiturates, drink a half-gallon of limeade, and toss a small tab of LSD on your tongue. You'll be seeing tails grow all over your body and the liquid shit will be flying.

If you don't have any of these items, then go to plan B: Punch the derelict in the stomach or balls, then run like hell.

Before you know it, there won't be anymore derelicts to bother you.

That's my Safety Tip of the Week, kids. Have fun! Whoops, I just dropped my joint. Got to go!

-Safety First, Bobbi

From: The Famous Ms. W.
Subject: At last

Bobbi,

At last, lunchmeat's answer to Bryant Gumble. We are star dust. We are golden. Poetry yet prose. Action yet adventure. Fat free yet extra crispy. Your work is a grill wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a grill. I feel your pain. Broabdignagian. Fearless. Kudos my friend. Kudos. My tears burn the earth yet my heart has truly sung. You have opened my soul like no other. Happy trails and until we meet again-somewhere over the rainbow blue birds do indeed fly.

Sincerely,
The Famous Ms. W.

Dear Famous,

Well you're certainly out of your mind, but I often see blue birds flying too. Sometimes even inside the house. Usually it's right after I've filled up my cat box and decide to celebrate by treating myself to a large dose of mescaline. People often say taking mescaline in 2003 is rather anachronistic, but I say to those people, "Go fuck yourselves."

Kids, if you want to see blue birds fly inside your house, here's what you can do: Next time your parents are away, go out to the garage and get a bunch of dad's spray paint. Then, climb inside a large garbage bag and start painting. Be sure to keep it closed and paint the inside of the bag for at least ten minutes. It'll smell really neat! When you crawl out of the bag, if you can stand up, you can run around the kitchen and see all kinds of funny stuff. Just try not to fall over!

Well Famous, thanks for your letter and try to maintain that high dosage level of whatever it is you're taking. I've got to go now. I've been chewing on my tail all night and now it's raw and sort of bleeding.

-Regards, Bobbi

From: Scott Tennant
Subject:

I wanted to say something but I think the radiation from my screen is too much to endure, ..... I had better go.

Dear Scott,

Hey kids, did you hear what Scott said? He said his computer screen is hurting his eyes. You know what we should do when a computer or TV hurts our eyes? We should find Dad's binoculars, take them outside, and use them to look at the sun. If you look hard, you can see candy canes growing on the surface! Yummy!

The sun will be very bright, but when we come back inside, the computer or TV won't seem nearly as bright and our eyes won't hurt anymore!

Time for me to go. A friend just gave me a crystal meth enema. It sounded  like a good idea at the time, but I started to get tense, and now I've got to clean up blood and broken glass in my cat box. Ouch, my rear end smarts!

Thanks for your letter, Scott. Have fun watching the sun!

-Safely yours, Bobbi

From: Andrew
Subject: Oh for crying out loud

Can't you tell a story in fewer sentences than Tolstoy's War and Peace??!!?!

Dear Andrew,

Thank you for visiting my Cookout Safety web site. I apologize for taking so long to reply but I've been feeling nauseous for weeks from testing some chemicals I found under the bathroom sink. Did you know that combining Drano and Windex will create a toxic chlorine gas? Hey kids- don't try this at home unless your parents are away. I vomited on myself several times while sitting in my cat box.

Maybe it's because of my lightheadedness, but I don't really understand your letter. Some stories are short, some are long. My safety web site is just as long or short as it needs to be. Now Tolstoy: there's a long-winded bastard for you.

Well, I think I feel another gut-wrenching heave coming so I've got to go. Thanks for you letter and have a safe day!

-Yours, Bobbi

From: Stacy Summers
Subject: Great safety tips

WOW!!!!

I learned more from you story about the cookout then in all 6 years in colladge. I am taken back by the mesmerizing concreat as this has effected me many times. Pkeas notify me if yous have any more tips or lessons.

The net needs more citizens like you and your friend the wize man.

Dear Stacy,

I'm glad you learned about safety from our story instead of college. School is just a big waste of time.

That's another good lesson, kids. You can learn more about safety during an afternoon ditching school and playing with matches than in a whole week of reading books and doing homework. I never went to school and I know all kinds of things--mostly about hairballs and being sneaky--not to mention, of course, safety.

Thanks for your note Stacy, and be sure to treat the mesmerizing cement with respect.

-Your friend, Bobbi

From: Brooke
Subject: Hello Kitty

Dear JD,

I couldn't happen to notice on the first page of your story Bobbi, although a very classy cat, looks quite different on the very next page in the "Old West Death Scene."  Do I need to clean my trifocals or does Bobbi have a double???

Curious cat lover,
-B

Dear B,

So I look "different," do I? Well I remember that day quite clearly. I was taking four different types of medication for my heart problems, my best friend got creamed by a car earlier that day, and I couldn't find a goddamn beer for the life of me. Then JD says it's time to shoot the porch scene. And you expect me to look my squeaky-clean best? In that situation? You should try it some time.

Well JD just walked in, was reading over my shoulder and berated at me for being negative. So okay, "Please forgive me."

So kids, what safety lesson can we learn from all of this? Maybe that when you're feeling down, you shouldn't take it out on everyone else. So the next time your parents come home from work in a bad mood and yell at you for something, tell them to go screw themselves. It ain't your fault their life's in the toilet! Then again, maybe it is. What the hell do I know about your stinkin' family. Ah oh, just burned myself with my lighter. Better go!

-Hugs & kisses, Bobbi

From: Paco Esquela
Subject: Cook out

Dear Bobbi,

Hi, I'm a big fan of yours who lives out in the Desert Southwest.

In the summertime it gets so hot out here that instead of using grills, we just go find the nearest big rock & throw our meat on it. This works real well and cleanup is a breeze!

Do you have any safety tips for us desert dwellers?!

Sincerely,
Paco Esquela
Las Vegas, NV

Dear Paco,

The desert can be a very dangerous place.

One time, my friend Tiger and I had to meet some guys in the middle of the desert to buy a box of Droperidol. They were late and we were getting very hot and hungry.

I started chewing on a cactus and whoa! It ended up being peyote. The hallucinations were fabulous. I swear I saw my dead grandmother purring under some sage brush. Be careful with that stuff, kids!

While we were delusional, our drug friends showed up, took our money, and proceeded to kick the mother-loving dog shit out of Tiger. I would've helped, but my head was spinning in a sickly sweat. I must have spent hours bent over a rock heaving my goddamn guts out. I didn't know my stomach held so much!

That was the last I ever saw of Tiger. I was lucky enough to crawl back to the Interstate a few days later and hitch a ride back to town in an old school bus full of hippies.

I guess none of this is advice; I just like telling that story. Hmmm... "Use a cork, so a scorpion won't crawl up your ass while you're sleeping." How's that for desert advice.

Well kids, I'd love to just sit here all fucking day and tell more stories, but I've been smoking opium for most of the afternoon and now my own shit is jumping out of my cat box and attacking me. Gotta run.

-Stay safe and stay cool, Bobbi

From: Stephanie
Subject:

JD- Hi! This is Stephanie. I was perusing your safety story with Bobbi and I just have one thing to say... I am not a panty-waist and I would have definitely brought some beer to your BBQ!

Affectionately yours,
Stephanie

Dear Stephanie,

When JD forwarded your email to me, I didn't know what the hell "safety story" you were talking about. I have discovered that many inhalants can cause memory loss, especially after you've been speedballing with amphetamines and Demerol.

But when I saw my site on the Internet, it all came back to me.

As for bringing beer to my cookout: I don't give a flying shit what you do. You can show up naked, drunk, and wearing an umbrella up your ass for all I care. I've got bigger concerns. My hair is falling out and I've been coughing up blood all day. So go drink your fucking beer already and leave me alone.

-Bobbi

Note from JD: I'd like to apologize for Bobbi. She can be quite temperamental, as you may know, but she was having an exceptionally difficult time this week and she just hasn't been herself lately. She really does appreciate your letter and I'm sure she'll be fine after some cat food and some much-needed rest.

Thank you for your letter and please visit again soon as we have plans to expand Bobbi's safety web site.

-Most sincerely, JD

From: Jeff
Subject: it's your cousin jeff!!

happy bird day!! that cookout story is so funny!!! i just finished showing cary! we love you guys. drop me a line.

Love,
Jeff and Cary and Debbie (Cary's Wife)

Dear Jeff,

Well Jeff, I don't think I have any cousins. But then again, my mother was a whore. I'm sure glad you liked the Cookout web site. JD and I thought it was important to make.

I hope you have a safe and happy Thanksgiving and don't eat too much turkey; you may become drowsy and fall down a flight of stairs.

I accidentally licked an Ecstasy tablet this morning and now I must make love to my cat box.

Thanks for your letter and keep safe!

-Your friend, Bobbi

From: Trisha Barry
Subject: Firework Safety

Hi Bobbi!

I really enjoyed your cookout safety tips, and I was wondering about another topic - fireworks. I've heard they can be quite dangerous, and every time I buy some, all the guys I know suddenly become concerned enough for my safety that they insist upon lighting them themselves while I watch from a safe distance. So you see, being very naive in the ways of all things explosive, I thought a very good subject for your next story would be firework safety. I'm sure with the warm summer months coming up soon, a lot more people will also be interested in learning more about this subject.

Your friend,
Trisha Barry

(P.S. - I've been practicing A LOT with lighting my matches!!)

Dear Trisha,

Since I'm a cat, I'm generally scared of things that make loud noises, like the vacuum cleaner, the kitchen disposal, and fireworks. However, I've often observed JD and his friends, Mark and the wise man, when they play with fireworks, and I have learned several safety tips from watching them.

The main reason why fireworks can be dangerous, is because they fly way up high into the air and can shower down on people below. That's why JD and his friends prefer to shoot fireworks horizontally. Sometimes a 16-ounce rocket will go through a neighbor's window or an Artillery Shell will bounce under a parked car, but there's never a chance of a scary firework falling from the sky.

Also, to make sure they can keep a safe eye on each firework, they shoot them directly at each other. This may sound dangerous, but they strip to their underwear first, to reduce the chance of catching on fire.

Mark brings plenty of beer, too. After a short time of running around and drinking, the fireworks don't hurt as much. Besides, Mark says shooting off fireworks without beer is for pantywaists.

Using these tips, your fireworks fun should be safe and enjoyable for everyone. I'd write more, but I'm going to be sick, so keep playing with matches and remember: Fire is our Friend.

-Bobbi